Hype-Cast.

All of these horrible shows on the VH-1 are pretty low-budge', right? Like in addition to being light on content and any lacking in any redeeming qualities, they also don't have much going on by way of production values. Throw some skanks in a room with a D list celeb and a bottle of Old Crow, film it and then slap it together with some Nickelback in the background is pretty much the formula.

If they want to save even more coin, they just need to keep recycling all of the cast members of each show. Maybe they already do this, I don't know. But for some ungodly reason, I found myself watching "Tough Love" the other night. This show features many ladies with low self esteem and body issues being coached on how to hide their foibles and be what dudes like so that some tool will marry them.

One of the charmers on the show is Rocky, whom I recognized from ("The Soup"'s clips of) that show with Danny Bonaduce about how you should under no circumstances let your kid go into show business because the kid might end up looking like a leprechaun made of Slim Jims and giving beat-downs to unsuspecting transvestites. She's the lady who gave us this clip (and no, she is not the transvestite previously mentioned).

Someone please call CPS immediately.

Anyway, they could easily just shuffle these people around: move the skanks from "Rock of Love" over to find husbands on "Tough Love." Have the d-wads from "Tool Academy" go on "For the Love of Gay J". Then funnel everyone on over to either Sex or Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

The Fabric of Our Lives.

Please explain these cotton commercials to me. Like, why do they need to advertise cotton? It's like advertising steel. Few of us are actually purchasing this on the open market. Even if you're going all "Project Runway" and making your own clothes, it's not like you would storm into JoAnn Fabrics demanding cotton. I don't get it.

I also don't get this Zooey Deschanel person's voice. I guess there was a certain appeal to it in "Elf" when she was singing that song about it being cold outside, but in this commercial, she sounds weird. Like an old woman who has been hitting the Dimetapp a little too hard. Like a muppet on 'ludes. Like old gum in the dirt.

At least now we know what fabric to wear while sticking Post-Its to an antique upright piano and going banjo shopping.

Acting Squirrely.

It's like, enough already with the squirrels. Every time I'm walking through the park, there's someone transfixed by one: chasing it around a tree, taking its picture, trying to communicate with it through a series of clicks and teeth sucking sounds that I'm pretty sure are not in any way fooling the squirrel into thinking that this guy in Dockers with a $5000 baby stroller is, in fact, someone the squirrel might see back in the nest later that night.

By and large, the folks who seem the most interested are the ones not speaking English with an American accent. Which begs the question: do they have squirrels in other countries? I'm pretty sure they do and that they look almost exactly like the ones here. I've been a bunch of places, and I've seen them. In Canada recently, I saw one that was black. That's crazy.

Basically, squirrels are like people with neck tattoos - everywhere and not very interesting. I saw a squirrel this morning eating a nut with its tail all curled up behind it, behaving as a squirrel should. I guess that was kind of cute, but boring, sort of like the Levi Johnston of squirrels.

Once, I saw a t-shirt with an image of a squirrel with huge testicles on it. Some kind of visual nut joke, I guess. The interesting part is that it was stapled to a plywood loading palette and propped up randomly on a sidewalk with no one around and no word of explanation. So what I'm saying is if these squirrels in the park put in a little extra effort like the one on the shirt, we'd all be a lot better off.