Christmas Jeers

There are many gross things associated with the Christmas season. Even with the decorations and stuff, the cheer part often eludes me. Let's have a rundown of what's not cute about this time of year:

1) Commercials like this, which are even more annoying because you can't embed the file in your blog. Here's the gist: "I love Christmas because... I love to shop!" Really? That's great.

2) The aforementioned Gap commercials which drive me into a near-homicidal rage.

3) Candy canes. They look cute, but I don't want to eat that. And now I feel obligated to do so because what about all the starving children.

4) Cookies and cake that look delicious but then you bite into them and they taste like rum or some crap. What is that? I don't need to get hammered from eating a cookie. I just want a damn cookie that tastes like a cookie, not a cocktail.

5) Those cards that you get that don't fold. Don't get me wrong. I love getting picture cards. But the ones that don't fold and that you have to prop up against the wall get relegated to the back row on the mantel with the free-standing ones obscuring them and their beauty. Which kind of sucks because then I can't see the cuteness.

6) The fact that every store feels the need to play nothing but Christmas music. Come on. Not everyone is into it. Can we throw some Doobie Brothers in there to break it up?

7) Crap like this:

which they then made even worse by making a TV movie based on it. Mom's dying and your buying her shoes? Good luck with that. How about buying that kid a coat, instead?

8) When they do crud that messes with my precious childhood memories. Like those parodies about Rudolph being a porn star or something. Take your pick here. I don't need that, OK? It's not helping.

9) Sexy Santa lingerie. Really?

10) This:

If this is what I'm getting from my piece this year, we're over.

DVRage

You know what stinks? When you program your DVR to "tape" (yes, I still say this. I also use the phrase "ice box" for refrigerator and "turn the channel" to indicate that I would prefer watching something else on TV) a show and it cuts off the last minute or two. ANNOYING. If the program doesn't run exactly on the hour, the DVR should know this, no?

Usually, the only negative effect this has on me is causing me to miss out on the previews for next week's "Top Chef", and since they run commercials on Bravo for the show approximately every 6 seconds, that's not a huge deal.

But on Sunday, I watched a very long, very boring, very dorky "Very Duggar Wedding." This was the "very special episode" of that show where the parents have like 64 kids as a penance for goofing up their birth control once and suffering a miscarriage. So now they have 136 kids and their own church or something. Evidently, their oldest is like 18 so it's time for him to be married off and start a cult of his own. Intriguing was the fact that prior to the wedding, the bride and groom had not so much as smooched. I think they were permitted to exchange a rousing high-five when they got engaged, but that's about it.

So after an hour of like, lame wacky hijinx ("We Saran-wrapped their car shut!"), they finally get married, the dude becomes the bride's master, blah blah blah, and then suddenly everyone is at the local Red Roof Inn to I guess engage in some sort of weird, medieval villagers-gathering-to-make-sure-the-marriage-is-consummated kind of a thing (Or something - I was simultaneously looking up Virgania Horsen SNL sketches on Hulu). Just as an uncle or one of the 48 brothers (or maybe the dad, JimBob) is sliding a key card into the door of their hotel room (thereby revealing whatever debauchery was going inside - hand holding?!?!), my DVR cut out. What the?! Now I'll never know what went on in there.

On second thought, thanks, DVR.