Umbrella-ella-ella Pt. 2

We've touched on this topic before, but more attention must be paid. I've got a lot more problems with umbrellas and you're going to hear about them.

One: People don't know how to use them properly. E.g. if I'm walking toward you and you have an umbrella open, LIFT IT UP so it doesn't poke me in the freakin' eye. Get off your stupid cellphone so you can pay attention and properly wield the umbrella at a safe height instead of resting it on one shoulder and then spinning around, blinding those around you.

Two: If you can't handle number one above, invest in one of those clear, bubble-type umbrellas that are all the rage in Japan (and maybe elsewhere where people have good sense). Then you can actually SEE what is coming toward you instead of blindly staggering down the sidewalk in the rain, holding your opaque umbrella and hoping for the best. Some ideas are so simple.

Three: If you have a sopping wet umbrella, how about not putting it on the empty chair next to you in the restaurant you're in because guess what? Those are actually made to be seats for PEOPLE who don't need a wet butt because you have a separation anxiety issue and can't part with your Totes at the door.

Finally: What is with those little "sleeves" they make for umbrellas? You know what I'm talking about: when you get a new one, it comes encased in this little nylon sheath. Great, but what am I supposed to do with that? Fold the umbrella so meticulously back into its original creases after each use so that it actually fits back into one of those things? I dont' think so. People with that kind of time and patience are doing things like constructing boats inside bottles, writing angry and rambling letters to the editor or making artwork that nobody can see.

Getting Perspective.

Sad news: some dog that was like, in the running towards becoming the World's Smallest Dog, died. That's a bummer, because it was cute and its name was "Scooter", which was also the name of my favorite tertiary character on the original Degrassi Jr. High series (the Canadian one, eh?). He was like the original Urkel. But I digress.

Anyway, Scooter (dog form) was totally adorable, but just how small was this dog? I need a picture of it being held by some sort of standard-sized human hand so that I can do a compare and contrast. The only pictures I could find were that of Scooter in a tea cup (shown here) with the disembodied head of I guess his owner. This tells me nothing. That could be one of those big-ass cups you put ice cream in when you're trying to tell yourself that it's somehow less than if you just used a bowl.

Then the other picture was of scooter with the world's largest dog or something, which I suppose is approximately the size of a small elephant. I just want some perspective, here. Would this dog have fit in my pocket? Somehow if it did, it makes me miss it more.

Chumps on a Plane.

Remember when airplane travel was fun? Instead of taking a car or boat like some sucker with unlimited vacation time, you boarded an iron eagle and swiftly were transported to your destination. Along the way, a crew of smiling air hosts and hostesses helped you find room for your bags and kept the free snacks and drinks coming. It was a magical journey to Happyland.

Now, not so much. You wait around in a hideous airport for the prescribed two hours, then have to wait around some more because the stupid plane is always late for some dumb reason.

By the time you actually get on the plane and wedge yourself in your cramped seat, your hatred for humanity has grown to gargantuan proportions. Come on, you disoriented yokel, TAKE A SEAT SO I CAN GET BY YOU. Lady, if you're too weak to lift your carry on bag, which will clearly never fit in the overhead anyway, THEN YOU'VE PACKED TOO MUCH. Check your stupid luggage.

Once you get going, it's no better. Hey, guy in business suit: the flight time is 27 minutes. Is it really necessary for you to order A FREAKIN' SCOTCH, make the flight attendant go find a bottle, then root around in vain to find change for the $50 bill you're shoving her way? Can you like, maybe NOT DRINK FOR 27 MINUTES? Also, person in front of me: would it be possible for you to not fully recline your seat during the meal service? This ain't ancient Rome: trying to digest while supine is not recommended. Finally, to the jerks in first class: we're not allowed to use your precious bathroom, so don't come parading out from behind that stupid mesh curtain to go use ours in coach. This is class warfare and you're not welcome on our plebeian turf.

I love to travel, but getting there is becoming none of the fun.

Moving at Midnight.

Did it become socially acceptable at some point to MOVE (either in or out of an apartment) at midnight? Just wondering, because this is what the bowling neighbors upstairs, who had been pogo-ing nightly on my head, did the other night. Don't get it twisted: not having to listen to anything other than the occasional random drunk or abusive parent screeching out in the street has been nothing less than a precious gift, more beautiful than a unicorn's tears. But come on - midnight? On a Thursday? And it's not like they were skipping out on the rent: Landlord confirmed they were indeed gone since their lease was up May 1.

At my last apartment, my jackass neighbors moved IN at midnight. Pulled the U-Haul right up and began unloading, yelling to one another, rolling hand trucks around, the whole nine. (Practically) in the middle of the night. In the middle of the week. In the middle of the city, where there are like, you know, other people around.

Is moving at midnight the new black?

Restaurant Woes.

Dear Website of Any Number of Finer Dining Establishments:

First of all, kudos on the intro/landing page. I would really much rather wait for your graphic-heavy site to load than to actually get to the menu. Also, good choice on the faux classic jazz sound file that accompanies the sliding images and swirling colors that have nothing at all to do with your food. Bravo!

Also, thanks for not listing the prices. Who wants to think about money when they're trying to plan an evening out? Losers, that's who! I really prefer to have absolutely no clue if I'm going to need to sit in the dark for a few days in order to be able to afford your saffron infused "hot dogs" with truffle oil. The saffron says expensive, but the hot dogs scream "plebeian!" Thanks for keeping my mind sharp with such brain teasers.

Finally, your decision to not list your hours and make your street address nearly impossible to find? BRILLIANT! If I'm going to have the privilege of dining at your establishment, it only makes sense that I'm going to have to work to find it and figure out what time you might open and close. Thanks for putting me in my place.

Love,

Liz

Shush Thy Neighbor.

Let's play "What the Hell is My Upstairs Neighbor Doing?".

Guesses:

1) Dropping it [anvils] like it's hot [3 a.m.].

2) Violating any number of laws concerning animal husbandry by herding a small tribe of goats in her apartment.

3) Clogging.

4) Attempting to exorcise her possessed Roomba by performing numbers from the venerable Broadway mainstay "Stomp".

5) Pogo-ing to Japanese punk.

6) Practicing smashing plates for her big fat Italian wedding.

7) Generally annoying the hell out of me by lumbering around in heels on hardwood floors every night beginning at midnight, slamming every cupboard and closet door in her apartment and then staging a repeat performance at 7am daily.

Am I the only one suffering? Any other loud neighbor stories? How'd you deal with it?

Job Envy.

What's up with these nerds with cool jobs? Specifically, people who host travel shows. Like, how cool would it be to be the host of a travel show? Pretty cool. So why do they have these wads hosting them?

Have you seen Rick Steves? He's arguably the most successful travel writer/host out there right now. He's also The King of the Nerds. How did he get this job?! The writing part, I can see, but the TV part? And have you seen his wife? She ain't half bad. Maybe there's something more to Rick.

And there's this other show, "1,000 Places To See Before You Die". First of all, that title is a little stressful. That's a lot of places. And they mention the fact that you're gonna die right in there. Come on - ease up! Sheesh. Anyway, this thing is hosted by this American couple who seem to go to all these cool places and act the part of the ugly Americans - yammering loudly in public, pointing, sneering at the local customs, making faces at the local food... Dude, I will take this job if you don't want it. Sign me up!