Cry & Cut.

In the grand tradition of formerly comedic television actresses who now weep on commercials featuring starving children, I bring you Laurie Metcalf:



Remember when she was funny as Jackie on 'Roseanne'? Yeah, not anymore. Is the intent here to make me want to help this poor kid or punch her in the face? Because I'm leaning toward the latter. Pull yourself together. Starving children doesn't call for smiles, but would it kill you to stop sobbing and maybe put on some blush while you're at it? Sally Struthers made the effort - you should, too.

And if you think that's bad, check out the photo on her Wikipedia page. WTF is going on there? For real. She was 53 when this picture was taken, not 83 as her hair would lead you to believe. Why would you go into a salon and get the "Queen Elizabeth"? It's a hot mess, minus the hot.

Bathroom Attendance.

Oh, man. There are lots of crappy-ass jobs out there: crab fisherperson, proctologist, uninsured day-laborer... But one of the worst has to be that of bathroom attendant.

Ugh. The fact that someone has to spend their entire day in a public bathroom is almost too depressing to bear. I can think of fewer places I'd rather be. I mean, it beats like, living in a box or whatever worst case horrible situation you can think of, for sure, but man...

And as a human who needs to use the bathroom from time to time, I'm also kind of resentful that in order to attend to an unstoppable biological need, I am forced to be confronted with an awkward situation which ALSO includes tipping, to make it that much more awkward. Some people have "shy bladders", you know. If someone is in that bathroom with them, it just prolongs the transaction. And I can actually get my own paper towel, but I sincerely thank you for offering one to me. I'll also pass on the perfume, but thanks again. And if I'm at this event or whatever for longer than 2 hours, I'll probably be seeing you several times. Do we need to go through this dance each time? And should I leave a tip each time? I'm running out of singles.

I just hate everything about it. It gives me the sads. Thoughts?

Thank You for Being a Friend.

Could this be like, the worst day ever? Sadly, Bea Arthur passed away. The woman was 86 and a national treasure.

You know, she was 86 so it's not exactly tragic, but still - she was one of those people you just kind of felt better knowing was around. And not because at 5'10" with the voice of a gangster she could probably scare off potential attackers - it's because no one could deliver a zinger with withering acidity and impeccable comedic timing quite like Bea. From "Maude" to "The Golden Girls", Bea kept us in stitches and herself in a neverending array of sack-like schmattes.

Farewell, Bea - the world is better for having had you in it. You know she's pointing in the direction she's headed in this pic.

P.S. I just read that in 1996, Bea was on "Judge [freakin'] Judy", called as a witness to a defendant who was somehow affiliated with PETA. I NEED TO SEE THIS. If you can track down a video clip, please post it below!