Job Envy.

What's up with these nerds with cool jobs? Specifically, people who host travel shows. Like, how cool would it be to be the host of a travel show? Pretty cool. So why do they have these wads hosting them?

Have you seen Rick Steves? He's arguably the most successful travel writer/host out there right now. He's also The King of the Nerds. How did he get this job?! The writing part, I can see, but the TV part? And have you seen his wife? She ain't half bad. Maybe there's something more to Rick.

And there's this other show, "1,000 Places To See Before You Die". First of all, that title is a little stressful. That's a lot of places. And they mention the fact that you're gonna die right in there. Come on - ease up! Sheesh. Anyway, this thing is hosted by this American couple who seem to go to all these cool places and act the part of the ugly Americans - yammering loudly in public, pointing, sneering at the local customs, making faces at the local food... Dude, I will take this job if you don't want it. Sign me up!

Babble-on.

What is it about business situations that drives people to start speaking in corporate-babble? Why is it suddenly mandatory to start peppering one's speech with sports metaphors, non-sequiturs and made-up words ("incentivize", anyone?)?

Today, this woman was describing a favorable idea as being one for the "front of the bus." What the hell does that mean? Is this some kind of homage to/defacing of Rosa Parks? Was she condoning a return to segregation on public transportation? Like, good ideas get to be in the front, bad ideas in the back? Racist! Or was she likening her mind to a bus? Why would you do that? Pick something a little more streamlined, at least. Come on.

Front of the bus? I'm not sure if this lady ever rode the bus, but the last time I was on there, the front of the bus was not exactly the Shangri-La. It was populated by a guy with one leg, two old ladies and three teenage girls who refused to yield their seats to said old ladies, all of whom were wearing wigs in varying stages of dishevelment.

Hanging on the Telephone.

Conference calls suck. You can't see anyone's face or body to judge what they're REALLY trying to say, and there's always some jackass dialing in from the street who can't hear what's being said because of sirens, horns honking or screaming homeless people. I was on a call today and wondered what would happen if I just started making oinking noises. Or just flat-out started saying, very softly, "Oink. Oink. Oink." Would anyone say anything? Someone try it and tell me.

Here are some conference call archetypes:
1. Darth Vader - the guy with emphysema who pulls the heavy breathing routine
2. The Aggressively Clueless - the one who asks dumb questions about stuff that was JUST EXPLAINED
3. The Babysitter/Dog Whisperer - the one with the wailing baby or rabid dog barking in the background. "Don't mind me. I'm just half-assedly supervising a hoard of 10 year olds who are demanding some purple stuff."
4. The Overtalker - won't let anyone get a word in edgewise
5. The "I Called this Damn Meeting but Can't be Bothered to Phone in on Time and Therefore I will Make you Listen to the Muzak Version of Huey Lewis and the News' Happy to be Stuck with You While You're on Hold Waiting for this Godforesaken Meeting to Begin"

Any others?

P.S. It's my birthday next week and I'm asking for that ALF phone.