Trite Tripe.

Can we all agree to stop using the phrase "I love [whoever] to death"? I mean, WTF does that mean, anyway? That you love the person so much you want to kill them? That is not cool, man.

Even if intent to murder is not the intended subtext of the phrase, I've noticed that people usually use it to talk about someone they actually don't like all that much. "I love Hans to death... But his sandals make me gag." "I love my mother in-law-to death... but I'm glad she lives in Guam." "I love children to death... But I have vivid nightmares that those creepy twins from that Ikea commercial will somehow find me and murder me in my sleep." (Seriously, what is that commercial even about?! That the mom loves her matching ovens more than her twins? That twins are evil? The Twin Anti-Defamation League needs to get on that.)

While we're eradicating irritating, meaningless phrases from our collective vocabulary, let's also do away with the space-filler, "It is what it is." Oh, is it, really? WHAT? If it's not what it is, then WHAT IS IT? It's like an existential mind-bender. But stupid.

Capri-diculous.

Well, it's that time again: capri season is upon us. A time when those not bold enough to wear shorts and too sweaty to don regular pants decide to half-ass it by slapping on a pair of these aberrations.

WHAT ARE THESE THINGS? Also known as a clam digger, pedal pusher or cankle pants, capris merely serve to visually sever the leg at its most unattractive point: mid calf. Proportionately, the math is all wrong: hiding 2/3 of the leg and showing 1/3? It doesn't work. 98% of the time, the result is a stumpy looking leg with an awkward swath of flesh beneath. They either look like pants that are way too short or shorts that are way too long.

Why do they even make these things? What are they even achieving from a practical, non-fashion standpoint? Letting your ankles breathe? How hot are they getting? And now dudes are wearing them, causing the annoying "manpri" to be incorporated into our vocabulary. Thank goodness the related and horrifying gaucho pant uprising of 2005 was quelled fairly rapidly. When will this capri madness end?

Someone defend these things to me. Am I the only one not getting it?

Real Talk.

Those of us who are avid reality TV show viewers know that, with stakes as high as hittin' it with Bret Michaels, the pressure is on. Oftentimes, contestants feel "fustrated". This often causes them to "bring it", because their objective is to "take it to the next level" since they are "not here to make friends."

Shows I willingly admit to having watched and enjoyed:
1. Average Joe
2. Joe Millionaire (anything with "Joe" in the title will do)
3. The Pick Up Artist (AMAZING)
4. Groomer Has It (searching for the best dog groomer in the USA - for some reason, I kept calling it "Groomer Knows Best")

Shows I am sad to have missed:
1. America's Next Muppet
2. Trick my Trucker (!)
3. Fat March

Babble-on.

What is it about business situations that drives people to start speaking in corporate-babble? Why is it suddenly mandatory to start peppering one's speech with sports metaphors, non-sequiturs and made-up words ("incentivize", anyone?)?

Today, this woman was describing a favorable idea as being one for the "front of the bus." What the hell does that mean? Is this some kind of homage to/defacing of Rosa Parks? Was she condoning a return to segregation on public transportation? Like, good ideas get to be in the front, bad ideas in the back? Racist! Or was she likening her mind to a bus? Why would you do that? Pick something a little more streamlined, at least. Come on.

Front of the bus? I'm not sure if this lady ever rode the bus, but the last time I was on there, the front of the bus was not exactly the Shangri-La. It was populated by a guy with one leg, two old ladies and three teenage girls who refused to yield their seats to said old ladies, all of whom were wearing wigs in varying stages of dishevelment.

Grammy's Mix Tape.

Good news:  the folks at Crystal Light have somehow gotten ahold of the results of your grandma dabbling in 80's technology and are offering you the ability to purchase "Grammy's Mix Tape" if you so desire.  

First of all, "Grammy's" is obviously just plan wrong.  If it is a mix tape from the Grammy Awards, it should just be Grammys Mix Tape, yes?  And if they insist on denoting possession, then it would be Grammys' Mix Tape, no?

Perhaps more importantly, why, in 2009, is anyone (including your grandma) still making mix tapes?  I held on to my cassette tapes to the bitter end and even I was forced to recognize that era is dead and gone.

Finally, people still drink Crystal Light?

Ahoy, Ye Hackers.

As a gay man trapped in a woman's body, my TV viewing is pretty much exclusively relegated to whatever happens to be on Bravo. Recently, they've been running those old "freecreditreport.com" commercials, with the dudes jamming out the jingle in some discount fish hut.

Can someone please explain this commercial to me? Here are some of the lyrics:

They say a man should always dress for the job he wants
So why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?
It's all because some hacker stole my identity
Now I'm in here every evening serving chowder and iced tea

What? Why does being the victim of identity theft necessitate having to take Judge Reinhold's job from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? When someone steals your identity, do they take your job, too? And how about that creepy old lady with the lobster bib on? What's her damage? She's shooting daggers out of those beady eyes.

Why go through the hassle of creating a narrative in your jingle if it makes no sense? Am I missing something?

Can It.

Let me break it down for you: I hate when people litter. HATE IT. To the point that I have become engaged in verbal/semi-physical altercations over it. (I once threw an empty cigarette box back at a woman who threw it out of her car window and hit her in the head with it.) So it was with interest that I noticed Philadelphia has begun installing luxurious new public garbage cans with semi-enclosed tops designed to, you know, actually keep the trash inside, instead of having it blow all over the street.

Here's the rub: emblazoned on the side of the cans (bins? They're rectangular, if that makes a difference) is this snappy slogan: "Litter Looks Better Canned."

Umm... What the hell kind of slogan is that? What does that even mean? By definition, isn't litter trash that's NOT in a can? So before you put it in the can, isn't it just trash? Are we supposed to throw it on the ground first and then put it into the "litter can"? Who the hell calls it a litter can, anyway? I've heard trash can, garbage can... no litter can. I did a Google search and found some site from Canada referring to litter cans - THIS AIN'T CANADA.

Am I missing something? Is this a play on words that I'm not getting? There used to be a store here called "2 Good 2 B Shooz" which has been out of business for like 3 years but which just the other day I realized must be a play on "Too Good to be True" - which still makes no sense, but at least it's a recognizable cliche.

Help me to understand.