Literally Hilarious.

The annoying part about finding something you like on the internet? Five hours after searching for and watching similar items on the You's Tube, you realize you could have been doing something productive - like watching a "Golden Girls" marathon.

Gnome Domes.

While innocently perusing the internet in search of an appropriate, gardening-related Father's Day gift, I happened upon this gem: the venerable Mooning Gnome.

You must read the reviews, for they contain high levels of hilarity:

I got the mooning gnome as a christmas gift and it is my least favorite. It is smaller than the standard gnome and made of plastic. I live in Vegas and after two summers my gnome lost all color and turned a grayish black color. You get what you pay for and as a gag this is kind of fun but to a gnome collector it cheapens your yard.

Yes, the poor quality of the pantsless gnome is what is cheapening the yard, not the fact that there is, in fact, a dwarf with his ass hanging out stationed there.

Mooning Gnome too gauche? Try the item "Frequently Bought Together" with it: the Squatting Gnome. Nothing conveys an air of sophistication and elegance quite like a tableau of a miniature man defecating on one's lawn. Majestic!

Drug Store Safari.

Sometimes those "8 Million Places to go Before you Croak" lists are just plain depressing. Like: oh, great. Here are 900 MORE places I'll never go to, and 400 more activities I never even knew existed that I now feel like I'm missing out on. Goat herding in the Himalyas? Teaching Guyanian orphans sign language and pottery making skills? Sounds great, but I'm barely paying my gas bill.

This is why, in the current economic climate, I prefer to make weekly trips to like, Walgreen's. There's something therapeutic about trolling the aisles, keeping an eye out for those yellow "Clearance" stickers. Pediatric cough medicine that expires in a month? Yes, I need that. Thank you for asking. Dr. Pepper-scented bubble bath at 75% off? Sold. Because buying personal care items and cosmetics is fun, but nabbing them at a steep discount elevates the experience to a whole new level of personal satisfaction. It also explains why I am the owner of about 13 bottles of foundation, none of which come close to matching my skin tone.

But no matter, for a brief few moments (and only a few bucks) while buying each, I take a mental vacation to a place where my complexion is radiant, my smile dazzling, my sinuses clear and my life even more exciting than swimming with dolphins in the Straits of Hormuz. As Liz Lemon would say, “I want to go to there.”

Lovin' Lifetime.

Even though I've had the distinct honor of having watched "The Invisible Child" (Tom Hanks' wife thinks she has a kid that doesn't exist and everyone goes along with it!), I'm still coming late to the party that is The Lifetime Original Movie.

Seriously, they're soooooo good. The one on yesterday afternoon ("Her Only Child") featured the girl who played the older daughter on "The Nanny" and some lady who looks crazy when the occasion calls for it (e.g. being in a Lifetime Original Movie). Nanny Girl finds a hot piece and crazy mom freaks out because that means the end of her being the center of Nanny Girl's attention. So mom does stuff like poisoning the Nanny Girl's dog in a bid to keep her close! I hope I'm not giving anything away. Let's just say it all ends up with inappropriate work attire, gunplay and a stint in a psych ward.

During the whole mess, they were advertising something called "Unbalanced", which is premiering on Lifetime next Saturday night at 9:00pm. I don't know what that is, but I'm pretty sure that title can apply to each and every made-for-TV movie ever shown on that network. I can't wait to stumble across the next one.

Chimp Chumps.

Is there anything more '70's than chimps dressed up in miniature people clothes?

Seems like there was a rash of chimps-as-sidekicks entertainment being churned out around that time. We're talking Clint Eastwood playing second banana (har dee har har) to a monkey in "Every Which Way But Loose", "BJ and the Bear" and "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp", to name a few.

Then there were those hideous chimp posters where various simians were dressed in novelty clothing (tennis gear, business attire, Sherlock Holmes outfit), curling back their lips in some sort of grimace to expose miles and miles of gums and chimp teeth. Gross.

I hate it when they put chimps in clothing, but let me tell you: I LOVE it when they put wigs on them. It's instantly hilarious. I don't pretend to know why.

Superfood.

If (and when) left to my own devices, my diet consists mostly of saltines, mayo and/or peanut butter, chocolate covered espresso beans and the occasional pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. If I have to go so far as to construct some sort of a meal, forget it. I don't know what goes with what and I'm not trying to dirty any dishes.

So when I heard about these "superfoods" my initial plan was to eat them and only them. Then I'd be getting maximum nutrients with minimal effort, right? Except the "superfood" list I came up with consisted only of kale, berries of any kind, quinoa, probiotics and seaweed. I'm not really into any of these items. Next.

Why can't superfood consist of butter, Cocoa Puffs, and those toasted coconut-covered marshmallows they sell around Passover? Have you had the latter? Because they are awesome.

Real Talk.

Those of us who are avid reality TV show viewers know that, with stakes as high as hittin' it with Bret Michaels, the pressure is on. Oftentimes, contestants feel "fustrated". This often causes them to "bring it", because their objective is to "take it to the next level" since they are "not here to make friends."

Shows I willingly admit to having watched and enjoyed:
1. Average Joe
2. Joe Millionaire (anything with "Joe" in the title will do)
3. The Pick Up Artist (AMAZING)
4. Groomer Has It (searching for the best dog groomer in the USA - for some reason, I kept calling it "Groomer Knows Best")

Shows I am sad to have missed:
1. America's Next Muppet
2. Trick my Trucker (!)
3. Fat March

Ty-rah.

When a friend told me Tyra Banks was going to be on Oprah tomorrow, my head exploded. Which might also happen to Tyra when she shares the spotlight with the woman she. would. like. to. be. It also might have the same effect on Oprah: who knows how she'll react when faced with a drag queen impersonator of herself?!

Watching this might get a little confusing for the viewers at home: which one is Oprah? Tyra's been working on her Oprah impression for the past couple of years and has the strange. halting. way. of. speaking. and the ability to take a topic, any topic, and make it all about her, down pat.

Evidently, Tyty Baby is going on to talk about some sort of "personal" experience with the subject of dating violence. This better not mean that Tyra donned a bruise suit for one day and now thinks she knows what the hell she's talking about when it comes to domestic abuse. She's already trivialized the trials of the overweight and homeless with her previous "undercover" let's-don-a-fat-suit or pretend-to-be-homeless FOR A DAY endeavors: please, spare us this and concentrate on doing what you do best, Tyra: humiliating model wannabes on national TV.

Make this Show.

Do y'all know Lil Mama? Looooove her. She's a rapper or something but I know her from America's Next Best Dance Squad on MTV. All I know is that she dresses a mess, looks about 58 years old but is only 19, and has a fabulous way of speaking. She actually sounds a lot like Brian Fellow. Which is awesome.

Someone needs to give Lil Mama her own show in which she plays a Judge Judy type person who doles out no-nonsense justice whilst over-enunciating with a Brooklyn accent. Get on that! I'd totally watch it.

Judge (& Jury) Dredd.

Around this time last year, I got called for jury duty and it was a magical time. After the initial cattle call, I got selected to sit on the jury for an armed robbery case. I felt like I won the lottery. I totally loved nearly every minute of it, and I'm not apologizing for it.

The highlights:

1) 10 day paid vacation from work. 10 DAYS, SUCKERS! I felt like I just won a dream vacation to sunny Acapulco. Looking back, I realize how very sad this was.
2) A lazy-ass judge. Or he was sick or something. Regardless, this guy slept through most of the trial, wanted to begin the day no earlier than 10:00am, and dismissed us by 3:00pm every day.
3) Comforting, kindergarten teacher-like bailiff who rounded us up and shuffled us around, asking frequently if we needed potty breaks.
4) Prosecutor who looked like a cross between (among?) Jimmy Smits on L.A. Law, James Lipton and El Diablo.
5) Mistaken impression that I might somehow get to meet Judge Judy.
6) Got to go home for lunch daily while hearing the case. While deliberating, we ordered from a a bevy of restaurants, ALL EXPENSES PAID. We're talking Chili's here, people.
7) Speaking of getting pizzaid, I got paid like $11/day including a federal holiday when court was not in session. I tried to give it to the payroll people at work but it was too much trouble for them to figure out how to deduct it from my pay or something, so KABLAM, I made like 100 clams.
8) After being verbally threatened by some people awaiting some OTHER trial, the judge made us enter and exit courtroom via a SECRET HALLWAY. Very Nancy Drew!
9) Did I mention the fact that I did not have to go to work for 10 days?
10) Actually fun to be a part of the judicial process, even though it did not include gospel singing like on Cop Rock.

So why am I annoyed? I just found out I am not eligible to be called again for another three years! NOOOOOOO!!!

Am I the only person who ever had a good jury duty experience?