All Roads Lead to Charo.

Don't get it twisted: I love, love, The Golden Girls, like any person of sound mind should. But one thing troubles me: if Sophia Petrillo came to the United States as a teenager, why is she rockin' a Brooklyn accent and not a Sicilian drawl? I know people who have been here for 50+ years who are still barely comprehesible (I'm looking at you, Charo.) What gives?

Speaking of Charo, did you know she is literally like 150 years old? Not really, but she claims to be 10 years younger than she actually is (ahem, Catherine Zeta-Jones.) Charo married some guy 44 years her senior when she was 20. Obviously, he was charmed by her killer flamenco guitar-playing skillz. But maybe not so much by her lip-syncing:


She also coined the phrase "cuchi cuchi," which is as profound as it is useful. Plus, she was on all the best shows, including but not limited to The Love Boat, Hollywood Squares and Chico and the Man and recently made an appearance on VH-1's train wreck Ru Paul's Drag Race, which before I saw it, I was hoping was about drag queens operating motor vehicles. She also naturally pioneered the "duck lips" look long before Meg Ryan, Melanie Griffith and Jay Mohr's piece co-opted it. Charo looks like a pekingese, but is working it. Bravo, Charo. Or shall I say, "Cuchi cuchi?" Cuchi cuchi, Charo. Cuchi cuchi.

Alle-Gore-y.

I was all set to go off on Lesley Gore and her horrifying '50's anthems "It's My Party" and the gross follow-up "Judy's Turn to Cry".

If you are unfamiliar with quintessential '50's Americana and your parents never forced you to listen to the oldies station during every single car trip you ever took, "It's My Party" is all about this sap (Lesley) who has a birthday party and invites both friend Judy and dreamy Johnny, who then rudely decide to get it on together, much to Lesley's chagrin! Her response is to boo-hoo and then act petulant ("You would cry, too, if it happened to you." Probably. Either that or give both of them the tasering of a lifetime.)

Then she follows up with "Judy's Turn to Cry." Here's where I have a real problem: instead of being ticked at Johnny for making out with her friend Judy AT LESLEY'S OWN PARTY, Lesley wins back the loathsome cad's affections and then sneers at poor Judy, who's left alone and humiliated. Basically, this jerk Johnny gets to make out with two ladies, then gets off scot-free while they fight over him for no discernible reason. I think something similar may have happened on Flavor of Love. Only with more expletives and less clothing.

But after a little research, I got schooled - Lesley redeemed herself somewhat with the deadly serious anthem "You Don't Own Me" in which she tells off some jerk who thinks he can control what she does and says and uses her as arm candy. Then Lesley later came out as a lesbian, which may not make her music any more enjoyable, but makes an exploration of all her earlier work that much more interesting, given the context and era. Who knew?!

Lesley has also got some killer dance moves:

Carrie Sadshaw.

When you're getting limited-time-only, free HBO, sometimes you feel obligated to watch it. Even if the only thing on is this Sex in the City movie.

First of all, what the hell is the name of it? "Sex AND the city" or "IN the City"? It doesn't really matter because it sucks for many reasons. Not the least of which is this hideous Carrie Bradshaw character. Like, hideous. Personality-wise and aesthetically speaking. Listen, I'm all for unconventional beauty, and I loved SJP in Square Pegs, but I'm drawing the line here. And it's not helping that they're putting her in the world's most ridiculous outfits. I'm all for sartorial commentary, too, but come on. ENOUGH, ALREADY. Hooking up pajama bottoms, pearls, a t-shirt, stiletto ankle boots, a fur and a SPANGLED BEANIE? You lost me at the pearls.

Even more infuriating is the fact that this character is like, a loser. I'm sorry. It's true. Running after that creepy "Big" dude with the Count Chocula eyebrows and then being ecstatically happy with the pathetic scraps of attention he throws her way every now and again? GAG. The best part of the movie [SPOILER ALERT] is when she plans some cockamamie wedding that involves her wearing some dress that is like 150 sizes too big in the boobs and he leaves at the altar. YES! But then he wins her scrawny ass back by being too lazy to actually write her a love letter and just ripping off some famous ones from history, then sending them to her via EMAIL (!) with some lame ass note like, "Sorry I screwed up." And she's like, "He really does care." WHAT?! Because he sent a freakin' email containing plagiarized material?

I can't take it. Who am I supposed to relate to, here? What am I missing?

Spoils of War.

Been waiting for the opportunity to wash that man right out of your hair AND cash in during these Troubled Economic Times? You're in luck:



Um, what? There's a lot going on here. Let's review:
1. Talking dogs.
2. Talking dogs who get their hair did at "Le Bistro". A cafe/dog groomer? Does not meet the health code.
3. Talking dogs with bling.
4. Talking, web-savvy dogs.
5. Good-for-nothing oglers.
5. Talking, web-savvy dogs who control their masters and then benefit financially from the behavior of good-for-nothing oglers though the acquisition of bejeweled dog accessories.

The tag line "break up with his jewelry, too" was the only part of this I heard when I first encountered this commercial. I was like, "Why are these women dating men who wear so much jewelry? Who are they dating? Mr. T? Liberace?"

Lashing Out.

Is there an epidemic of "eyelash inadequacy" sweeping the nation? Are people gnashing their teeth and wailing because their eyelashes simply aren't long or thick enough? According to the drug company that makes "Latisse", yes.

"Inadequate" lashes? "Not enough lashes"? Why are they being so judgmental? I can see if you had to undergo chemo or something and lost your eyelashes. Or if your lids are like, stark raving nude. But to get a prescription to help you grow eyelashes thicker? Is that covered under your health insurance plan?

Let's take a look at the possible side effects:

May cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible, and there is potential for increased brown iris pigmentation which is likely to be permanent.

So basically, you use this stuff and you could end up looking like Randy Constan.