Movie Review: Orphan.

So I watched this movie "Orphan" last night because it looked dumb and I like movies that are unintentionally funny.

Basically, the theme was, "don't ever adopt a kid in Victorian clothing with a Russian accent". There's even a PSA before the movie starts about adoption and how it doesn't necessarily lead to death and destruction for all involved. How nice.

The movie is about a family with an adorable deaf 4 year-old and a bratty tween son who plays Guitar Hero and looks at contraband Penthouse magazines in his professionally engineered treehouse. The mom - the (only) woman from "The Departed", lost a baby in childbirth and now she and her husband, Peter Saarssssgaaaard are in the market for a new kid to bring home to their totally un-childproof home. Peter is like his generation's Andrew McCarthy or Campbell Scott; he squints his way through scenes and seems to be in danger of bursting into tears at any moment. He's one of those guys who also seems prone to discussing his feelings at great length, and no one wants that mess, so just back away.

Pete and that Maggie Gylleenhaaaaaaal have a baby together in real life. Ramona Saaaarsssgaaaard-Gyllenhaaaal is quite a handle for an infant and let's hope the kid split the difference with the genes and came out looking OK, is all I have to say. I'm sure Mags is a nice gal, but let's get her a supportive bra and some under-eye cream, right?

Anyway, the parents go to this swanky orphanage run by kindly nuns and pick out a kid pretty much based on the fact that she refuses to socialize with anyone else and displays savant-like tendancies. Good move! They bring her home the next day, because apparently picking out an orphan is like ordering something from Amazon and next-day service is available.

If you saw the trailers for this movie, you know where this is all going and I'm not really giving anything away. Soon after the Orphan moves into the Departed-Saarsgard house, things start going awry. The Orphan insists on wearing these ruffled pinafore numbers with velvet ribbons around her neck and wrists, complete with Shirley Temple/Snoop Dogg curls on the head. Hey, parents: RED FLAG.

Next, people start getting maimed and/or killed. It's basically like "The Bad Seed" but set in a house with an open floor plan where no one can have a private conversation without the Orphan lurking around and listening, then glaring in a menacing manner before tiptoeing off behind some architectural element.

Things continue to escalate. The mom considers going back to drinking. The dad cries (naturally).

Then the amazing twist is revealed about the Orphan's true past! I won't give it away, but suffice it to say it was something I jokingly posited as an explanation for this girl's behavior within the first 15 minutes of the movie and I can't believe I was right because it's pretty hilarious. After we find out the truth, the movie really picks up, but unfortunately, it's almost over by then.

Have you seen this film? What did you think?