TV Review: Dwarf Shows

Have we had enough of these shows about midgets, or what? I swear, every time I turn on the TV there's some new show on basic cable about ice road truckers - who are also little people!

As far as I'm concerned, what kicked it all off was the TLC special, "The Smallest People in the World" featuring poor Sharon, a primordial dwarf with regular-sized teeth. Oh, my word. That'll make you cry. In case you don't know, primordial dwarfism produces people who are teeny tiny, like this dude (no, that's not Photoshopped). It's pretty rare, but like, aren't their lives tough enough without calling them "primordial"? I mean, it doesn't sound nice, because what do you think of when you hear the word "primordial"? Ooze, right? Not nice.

Then that spawned "Little People, Big World" about the tractor-riding drunken Roloff family of dwarves somewhere in the midwest. BORING. They run a pumpkin patch or something and it's all well and good, but who cares?

Then they started with this "Littlest Couple" which I've never seen but I think is about a couple of dwarves trying to have a kid. Whatever.

Then, things started getting really nutty. "The Little Chocolatiers" is yet another show about a confectionery-type company (like "Cake Boss" or "Ace of Cakes"), but is different because it's RUN BY MIDGETS. Are you kidding me? Sigh.

Over on Animal Planet, they've got "Pit Boss", which as far as I can ascertain is about a group that runs an illegal pit bull breeding and dog fighting business but, you guessed it, is comprised of dwarfs (the people, not the pit bulls).

ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE MIDGETS. If the point of these shows is to show that they are just like "regular people" then LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE. Stop trotting them out and making them hop on a step stool in front of the cameras so they can pay for gum at the store. This whole "they're just like us, see?" idea is a crock, because if they were, they wouldn't be on TV. Just let them do their thing!

TV Review: Undercover Boss

So I watched that show Undercover Boss a couple of times. It's the one where some CEO of a billion dollar company puts on a smock and a name tag and pretends to be a normal person for like a week. Then at the end, s/he usually learns Valuable Life Lessons about Blue Collar People and gives them some sort of token gift while everyone claps and faith is restored in Corporate America.

This had the potential to be good ("Let's see what a jerk this guy really is! He can't even operate a cash register!"), but just plays like an extended PR piece. It might as well be called CEOs Are People, Too. Maybe they are, but in the wake of all of this banking bailout/economic crisis nonsense, I'm not in the mood. I'd rather watch a show called Underworld Boss that portrays heads of companies as Satanic minions while minimum wage employees poke them with sharpened hockey sticks.

The Blue Collar types they get to be on the show all go in every day with a smile and scrub toilets like its going out os style. At least one Average Joe per episode seems to be on dialysis. Let's see some real employees, grousing about their paltry salaries (a topic which I've not seen raised yet) talking on cell phones and demanding more smoke breaks.

At the end, the CEO meets with the Magical People he's learned from all week and reveals his true identity. Sometimes he's just like, "Thanks, you're super." Then there's usually some sort of company meeting in a warehouse where the CEO reveals that s/he has been an Undercover Boss for the past week and has done all manner of the mundane, dead-end jobs that everyone in the room does every day (gasp!). They usually show outtakes where the Blue Collar Types are telling the Undercover Boss that he's not cut out to be a tow truck driver. This is to of course, give the illusion that the CEO has a sense of humor about himself and that the regular folks actually somehow have the upper hand.

Another annoying thing is that usually the Blue Collar people on the show are like, "I never dreamed this would happen to me." What? Shaking the hand of a guy who makes 9,000 times your income and probably works half as hard? Let's give everyone a raise instead of just giving Hector every Tuesday afternoon off for his medical treatment.

I'm not buying that marginally bettering the lives of a handful of employees makes the companies or the CEOs profiled any more altruistic. Am I just a jerk?

Dope Driving.

I don't drive very often, but when I do, there's always a theme. It's like the first idiot creates a topic sentence by doing something stupid and then everyone else plays the role of supporting sentences by doing something similarly dumb. The conclusion comes when I've reached my destination, fuming with rage. PEOPLE ON 'LUDES SHOULD NOT DRIVE.

Some popular themes embraced by stupid drivers include:

1) Let's cut you off and then go 12 MPH in front of you. A slight variation on the theme is the related "Let's cut you off and then repeatedly brake for no discernible reason." Like why do you HAVE to get in this lane when there's nothing wrong with the one you're putting along in? STAY THERE AND LEAVE ME BE.

2) Even though we're on a 4 lane highway and there is not another car in sight, I'll ride your bumper instead of passing. New Jersey, I'm looking at you. Any time this happens to me, I guess that the car will have NJ plates (they're usually tailing too close to see in the rear view) and I'm right 98% of the time.

3) Taking up as many lanes as I damn well please because I'm too busy like, WATCHING TV while I'm driving. I swear I was behind a car with a TV screen in the sun visor yesterday. WHAT IS THAT? Do we need to be entertained at every waking moment, at the expense of careening into other cars?!

4) If I am not sure where I'm going, I'll just stop in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD to figure it out. No need to actually pull over - I'm the only person in the world who matters!

These are but a few. What are others you've experienced?